She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
