a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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