My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
