OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
