I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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