I accidentally burped into my bong.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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