Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
