thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
