wrigley field is MILF paradise
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
