I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
