She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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