I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
