is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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