So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
