yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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