Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
