my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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