Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
