im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
