Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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