Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
