I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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