We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
