all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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