Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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