please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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