How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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