im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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