You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
