I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
