Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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