This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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