I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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