So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
