i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
