I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
