After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
