I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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