She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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