He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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