after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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