The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
