I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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