I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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