i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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