these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
