YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
