Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
