I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
