anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
